Phoenix
by shortlion13
Summary: The TL:DR version of Book Five, like a newspaper editor on steroids with a winking eye toward subtext got a hold of it. Approximately one page per chapter.


p class="MsoNormal"CHAPTER ONE/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"OUTSIDE THE DURSLEY'S HOUSE/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY is hiding in the bushes underneath an open window to listen to the news./p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: Hey, the kids are out of the house—you want to…/p  
p class="MsoNormal"AUNT PETUNIA: [direct quote] Vernon, shh! The window's open!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"They watch the news, while HARRY listens outside. As it ends, a series of loud noises erupt, and HARRY chooses that moment to emerge from hiding and draw his wand./p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: WTF did you do?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: Nothing./p  
p class="MsoNormal"DURSLEYS: Liar. We want to know what you're really up to. We're not stupid./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: News to me./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY storms off to brood about the possible magical sound and his general angst./p  
p class="MsoNormal"A couple hours later, HARRY catches up with DUDLEY on the way home./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: Hey, Ickle Diddykins. Beating up ten-year-olds again?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY: Shut up. You think you're tough because you have a wand./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY pulls out his wand./p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY: I'm telling! Oh and by the way, I've heard you whimpering and moaning in your sleep—maybe you and Cedric should take it easy on the sub/dom./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: Shut up!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY: [imitating Harry] Don't kill Cedric! Help me, Dad! Mummy, he's going to kill me!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY points his wand at DUDLEY's heart and he backs into a wall./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Everything goes dark./p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY: Stop it!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: I'm not doing anything!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY punches HARRY, who drops his wand, and runs away, straight into a dementer./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: COME BACK! Keep your mouth shut! Lumos! EXPECTO PATRONUM!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY is saved, but curled up on the ground shaking. Cat lady MRS. FIGG runs up./p  
p class="MsoNormal"MRS. FIGG: Don't put your wand away, idiot!/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"CHAPTER TWO/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"ALLEY NEAR DURSLEYS' HOUSE/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"MRS. FIGG: Btw, I'm a Squib. Dumbledore's had me live on this street to keep an eye on you since you were a baby. He's also been having you guarded all summer, but stupid Mundungus Fletcher took off./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: Wait, what?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"They start walking toward the Dursley's, HARRY dragging DUDLEY./p  
p class="MsoNormal"MUNDUNGUS apparates in. MRS. FIGG yells at him and hits him with her purse./p  
p class="MsoNormal"MUNDUNGUS: Ouch! Ok yeah I screwed up, I'm sorry! I'll go confess to Dumbledore./p  
p class="MsoNormal"MUNDUNGUS leaves./p  
p class="MsoNormal"MRS. FIGG: Harry, get inside and stay there. Good night! MRS. FIGG sets off briskly./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY rings the style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanDursleys answer, DUDLEY throws up, they freak out and think first that he's been mugged until he says "him," meaning Harry/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"DURSLEYS' KITCHEN/p  
p class="MsoNormal" /p  
p class="MsoNormal"DURSLEYS: What did the bad man do to you, Diddy? Did he use his—em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"thing/em?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: You think you caught me red-handed, but like Shaggy it wasn't me./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Enter Owl 1—MINISTRY OF MAGIC: You're expelled and we're destroying your wand./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: I'm out of here./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Enter Owl 2—MR. WEASLEY: Don't worry, Dumbledore'll fix it. Don't do any more magic, or leave the house, or move or speak or breathe.../p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: Enough with the effing owls! And what's wrong with Dudley?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: I was expelled for doing magic./p  
p class="MsoNormal"DUDLEY: Everything was dark and cold and there were voices and I fell down and thought I'd never be happy./p  
p class="MsoNormal"horrified!DURSLEYS: you turned our son into a crackpot!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: No, the dementors did it./p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: What the hell are dementoids?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"AUNT PETUNIA: [quote] They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban./p  
p class="MsoNormal"[deafening silence]/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY, after picking his jaw up off the floor: How...?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"AUNT PETUNIA: Eavesdropping. No fair, Lily got all the boys./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Enter Owl 3—MINISTRY OF MAGIC: Fine, you get a hearing. We'll then decide if we're expelling you and taking your wand./p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: So dementoids-span style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: They suck out all your happiness and eat your soul. And you can't punch them./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Enter Owl 4—SIRIUS: Be a good boy and stay in the house./p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: But why are they here?/p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: Dunno. Maybe Lord Voldemort sent style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: Know the name...star of em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"Scream VII/em? Heard his career was on the outs./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY: Or, my parents' murderer. He's mounting a comeback./p  
p class="MsoNormal"AUNT PETUNIA, dropping the ugly Stepford wife persona for once: Maybe I did care that my sister got murdered even though she was the pretty, popular one . . ./p  
p class="MsoNormal"HARRY thought bubble:em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;" the crazy cat lady down the road knows Dumbledore; Aunt Petunia suddenly feels like family; somebody pinch me. /emspan style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON: If he's back, and after you, get out of the house. Never should have kept you anyway. I've had it, get lost!/p  
p class="MsoNormal"Enter OWL 5—a Howler addressed to Aunt Petunia—SERIOUSLY ANGRY VOICE: span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"You better do that thing I said, Petunia./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"AUNT PETUNIA: The boy stays. Got to avoid that neighborhood gossip./p  
p class="MsoNormal"UNCLE VERNON splutters. HARRY is sent to his room./p 


End file.
